When Santa died

Christmas eve, 1986. I was nine when Santa died.

I was lying on the living room sofa in my third grade pajamas dreaming my third grade dreams. Visions of Christmas money, a Spider-man toy, and candy in my stocking.

I don’t know why, but Uncle Scott’s house had a chimney, eventhough they lived in the desert of Southern California. Maybe it was just for Christmas’ sake. Anyway, our stockings were hung on this gas-lit chimney. And on Christmas morning, there would be Tic-Tacs and Lifesavers in it—and sometimes change.

I yawned and admired my stocking. It had my name written on it in glitter. And it was cursive too. I had just learned cursive in...<zzz>

        ...

I heard a noise. It was dark. Then whispering. Cousin Dennis? Maybe near the chimney. A light flashed. Is that mom? I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

I listened some more. There was clinking. And soft footsteps. Then silence.

I took a deep breath, as my worldview re-arranged itself like a Rubik’s cube. So...hmm...

My family never talked much about Santa. It was mostly the Christmas cartoons, like the claymation one about Rudolph. We were Chinese afterall, and not Christian either. I guess they played along just for my sake.

It didn’t shatter my world, but it was weird. They were all in on it. And now I was in on it too. But I never said anything. What would I say? And they never told me the truth either.

Just like a good Chinese family.

Microwave and fork techniques

I was good at microwave cooking. Usually, my mom didn't get home until late evening, so I learned to cook up tasty food using the microwave.

My most favoritest snack in the whole world was hot dogs with Taco Bell hot sauce, without the bun. The spicy, peppery sauce plus the juicy, salty hot dog made me happy. And it only took thirty seconds to make! There was a special trick to making the hot dog juicy though. Because if you didn't nuke it long enough, it would still be unnaturally pink and bendy, and sometimes have ice crystals inside, which were cool to look at but not to eat. But if you kept it in there too long, it would explode out both ends, looking like those Chinese finger torture tricks, and it would taste like leather. So, my trick was to poke holes in the hot dog, and wrap it in a wet paper towel. Then when you heat it for longer, no explosions, and no dried up skin.

My second most favoritest snack was chicken pot pie. Juicy chunks of square chicken, square potatoes, square carrots, and green peas bathing in a crusty pool filled with gooey gravy. By the way, those were the revolutionary days when the shiny, grey paper was invented that allowed you to "fake bake" in the microwave. That was an adjustment for me, but luckily my technique from the oven-baking days carried over. See on the instructions, they tell you to poke holes in the crust with a fork, but they don't warn you that the cold hard crust and the even harder block of gravy ice underneath will bend your fork. So my trick was to rock the fork back and forth until it slowly burrowed its way down into the crust. That way, the pie doesn't fly across the room 'cuz you're trying to jam the fork in. This may seem obvious to an adult, but to a fifth grader, it makes all the difference between a nice pie, and a busted one you have to wash after picking it up off the floor.

I also had to make Hungry Man microwave dinners too. The best one was turkey with gravy, with sides of mashed potatoes, peas & carrots, and cranberry sauce. I didn't know back then that you could eat the turkey and cranberry sauce together, so it was saved for dessert. These dinners had the most complicated instructions. You were supposed to poke a few holes in the turkey, a lot of holes in the mashed potatoes, leave the dessert covered, and completely uncover the veggies. It wasn't too hard for me to follow all the directions 'cuz I'd had plenty of practice with my coloring books. But there were still nuances of technique I had to learn, like using a knife to cut the hole for the veggies. There was technique to the fork poking too. It had to be fast and straight, or else you'd end up with torn plastic in your food. And when you poke it just right, there's a crisp snap sound to it.